Expletive Deleted

I hate working out. I @$&#ing HATE working out. I don't feel an adrenaline rush. I don't feel a sense of accomplishment. 

I feel hopelessness. I feel like I'm never going to move past the status quo. In my size. In my flexibility. In what my body can do. 

Working out flat out pisses me off. It makes me so mad at myself that I let it get this far out of hand. I've coasted so long on, "well you really can't tell that I've gained weight," and now the flip side is in going to have to stick it out a verrrry long time before I see any significant changes.

 And feel like a miserable cow in the mean time. 

I ate pretty good today. Mostly fresh food that I prepared along side my shakeology. And it was the boringest (I know that's not a word) damn day. But it's going to take so many more. I didn't gain it all in one day. I can't lose it all in one either. 

My own brain is the biggest obstacle in my way. And I don't know how to exercise it for this purpose. 

Expletive deleted.  

Ohhhh Hoooooly Craaaaaaap!

It's that time of year where everyone is having their end of year/holiday parties. I love it. However, the one I'm about to go to, I'm scared spitless of. It's the one for the coaching team I've joined. I've never felt more like an odd girl out. And believe me, I've felt that way A LOT in my life.

It's a shame for me to even say that. They are the sweetest women I know! They would never say or think a hateful word about me, but I can't stop MYSELF from thinking them about me.

The RSVP said bring a dessert or a protein appetizer. The only desserts I know how to make are loaded with sugar and carbs and guilt and decadence! So I opted for the protein option. My Asian inspired meat balls are in the oven as we speak. I was in the middle of prepping them when that nasty little voice started talking to me. It went something like this:

"What do you think you're doing?"
"Making my appetizer like I was instructed."
"Pork meatballs?"
"Yeah it's from a Fresh 20 recipe a while back so it's not too bad for you."
"What if someone is keeping kosher? Or has a gluten sensitivity? There's breadcrumbs in there!"
"I just wanted to make something I knew tasted good and wasn't terrible for you!"
"I refer to my original question."

Myself is pretty damn bitchy. It was too late to find something else, and I really wanted to put forth the effort to make something from scratch. Now I'm on the verge of tears with soy sauce down the front of my party shirt, and I probably will forget to change into something else, so I'm going to look like the hot mess oddball that I feel like! The pretty girls will realize they invited the wrong, fat girl to sit with them and it will be middle school all over again!

Actually. No. They won't.

They'll say hey, I'll throw a disclaimer that there's breadcrumbs in the pork meatballs and soy in the dipping glaze and everyone will move on with their lives. They aren't the hateful ones. I am. I've got to cut myself more slack. There are so many obstacles to conquer on a road to change, why do I feel the need to throw more in there?

Time to take a breath, make a rap playlist on my iphone, and enjoy the heavenly smell coming from the kitchen.

Chill the hell out, Shanna.

You Know I Mean Business When...

I am literally sleeping in the clothes I am going to wear to workout tomorrow. Sports bra and all. I go to bootcamp on Tuesday and Thursday evenings.  We had an industry party tonight, and we are going on our honeymoon on Thursday.

I am so desperate not to backslide and lose my progress that I am determined to get in a good workout this week. So I'm getting my happy ass up at 4:30 to go to morning session tomorrow.

It's gonna be a looooong day.

Hiatus Over

It's been a long time, prolly shouldna leftchu. Okay. Done with the Aliyah intro.

It's been crazy. I blew up to 235 pounds. I joined a bootcamp. I subscribed to the Fresh 20 meal planning services. I try to cook at home at least four times a week. I've lost 14 pounds. I got married. I looked good in my dress. I'm looking to get pregnant soon. I've been approached about coaching. So I'm bringing this blog back.

I've finally realized that this is going to be a long term journey. A lifestyle overhaul. There's no quick three sessions at the gym and starve myself for a week that's going to fix my body and my body image issues. It's going to take time. It's going to take work. It's not always going to be fun. But it's going to be worth it. When my husband tells me I look good and I believe him. When I can fit into a pair of skinny jeans and not feel like a sausage. When I can go clothes shopping and not end up in tears in the fitting room. When I can give birth to healthy babies because I've given them the best body to live in until they were ready to be born.

So let's do this. For realsies.

This Is Why It's Hard

I got a Fitbit so I can go about this the nerdy way. It tells me how many calories I burn just by breathing all day. As long as I don't eat more than that, I will lose weight. I've had it for going on two weeks now. I'm on the "Kinda Hard" plan where I'm supposed to take in about 750 fewer calories than I burn for the day and lose 20 pounds by May. Seems easy enough. Except I have 44 calories left for today and I'm so hungry my tummy hurts. I could have spent a few of my calories more wisely, sure. I went grocery shopping today, so hopefully I'll make better decisions tomorrow. But today is where I'm struggling. This is where the ugly little voice in my head says, "Don't worry. You can eat whatever now, just do better tomorrow." It doesn't work if you keep saying you'll fix things tomorrow. I think I'm going to name this principle The Ice Cream Delusion. Cause that's usually what I want when that voice talks to me. It's so easy to just say, "Fuck it," and eat the ice cream because at least it makes me feel better now, instead of having to wait for it to feel better later. But I didn't. Because I have to fix it today. Not tomorrow.

New mantra, "Today. Not tomorrow."

Same Song Different Verse

Back at it again. Determined to make it work. Again. I feel like I finally have some sort of idea of how my life's schedule is going to be for a while, so that helps with trying to plan things around better decisions. I went to the gym today. My new year's resolution is not so much to lose a certain amount of weight or get down to a certain size. It's really more of I'm not going to let my gym membership be a $500 a year throw away that I use four times. I found the workout routine my brother made for me.

Today was chest. And it sucked. I walked around like an idiot trying to find the right machines for what was written down. Finally got everything done, and then was ten minutes into cardio when my sweet wonderful devil of a boyfriend texts me and asks if I want to go to Chuy's for lunch. Thus went the rest of my day.

I think I'm going to try the Fresh 20. I really do need someone to tell me what to buy and what to cook because that's just one place where I have no imagination. I can put cheese, meat, and bread together in about six different ways, but that gets old pretty quick. I like that they make your shopping list efficient for you. That way I don't buy a ton of something for one meal and then waste the rest because it goes bad before I can think of anything else to do with it.

Today was not good. But it's done, and I'm not going to beat myself up over it anymore. Tomorrow will be better.

Logic, Frustration, and How the Hell??

Weight loss is not an overnight thing. I understand that. However, I have zero patience with myself. So logic and frustration are ever at odds. It's been bad this week. I'm trying to do what I can within the limits of my financial and lifestyle situation, so progress is being made. I just can't always see it. I get that. I was told last week that I've got to stop being so mean to myself about it. But it's difficult to be kind to one's self when it my mind and expectations operate like an AP Calculus class and my body seems to be stuck in remedial basic math. I'm just very tired of being discouraged.

Now here's the rest of what I didn't put on Facebook. I've been trying my ass off given the fact that I've been working 9:00pm to 5:30 am or more since Monday. I'm helping remodel a store. An Ulta. So not a little guy. I've been carrying shelves made out of heavy glass or awkward and heavy plastic. I've been doing 8 hours of squating, lifting, pulling, pushing, twisting around, and on my feet. Monday I actually went to the gym for a Zumba class before heading in, so I got a little cardio in. I can't remember what my feet or thighs feel like when they don't hurt.

Now diet. I knew I would be taking lunch break in the middle of the night in Plano...which means that NOTHING is open. And I'm really, actively not wanting fast food at the moment, so I stocked up on those Healthy Choice frozen dinners. I know, I know, I know. Sodium. But they were the best I could do given circumstances. I've had maybe two stops at fast food places this week. I discovered the joys of unsweetened flavored tea. I'm especially obsessed with this Lipton Dragonfruit, Acai, Melon one. So I've been drinking it non-stop. Lots of water while I'm working. I have had a soda here and there, but not the three a day habit I used to have by any means.

And I'm back to 209. I was down to 204 on Sunday.. How in the sweet loving HELL did that happen?? My measurements are the biggest they've ever been. (Although to be honest. I haven't measured myself since June before it got really bad). I realize it's a bad week for water retention, but I can't even wrap my head around the fact that since Sunday I've gained 5 pounds.

And in other news my brother lost 22 pounds in a month. Super happy for him. But at the same time it makes me feel completely lacking and worthless in what I'm working at.

I don't get it. I am genuinely disheartened, disappointed, and confused by all of this. I'm about to just sit down and cry.