Ohhhh Hoooooly Craaaaaaap!

It's that time of year where everyone is having their end of year/holiday parties. I love it. However, the one I'm about to go to, I'm scared spitless of. It's the one for the coaching team I've joined. I've never felt more like an odd girl out. And believe me, I've felt that way A LOT in my life.

It's a shame for me to even say that. They are the sweetest women I know! They would never say or think a hateful word about me, but I can't stop MYSELF from thinking them about me.

The RSVP said bring a dessert or a protein appetizer. The only desserts I know how to make are loaded with sugar and carbs and guilt and decadence! So I opted for the protein option. My Asian inspired meat balls are in the oven as we speak. I was in the middle of prepping them when that nasty little voice started talking to me. It went something like this:

"What do you think you're doing?"
"Making my appetizer like I was instructed."
"Pork meatballs?"
"Yeah it's from a Fresh 20 recipe a while back so it's not too bad for you."
"What if someone is keeping kosher? Or has a gluten sensitivity? There's breadcrumbs in there!"
"I just wanted to make something I knew tasted good and wasn't terrible for you!"
"I refer to my original question."

Myself is pretty damn bitchy. It was too late to find something else, and I really wanted to put forth the effort to make something from scratch. Now I'm on the verge of tears with soy sauce down the front of my party shirt, and I probably will forget to change into something else, so I'm going to look like the hot mess oddball that I feel like! The pretty girls will realize they invited the wrong, fat girl to sit with them and it will be middle school all over again!

Actually. No. They won't.

They'll say hey, I'll throw a disclaimer that there's breadcrumbs in the pork meatballs and soy in the dipping glaze and everyone will move on with their lives. They aren't the hateful ones. I am. I've got to cut myself more slack. There are so many obstacles to conquer on a road to change, why do I feel the need to throw more in there?

Time to take a breath, make a rap playlist on my iphone, and enjoy the heavenly smell coming from the kitchen.

Chill the hell out, Shanna.

You Know I Mean Business When...

I am literally sleeping in the clothes I am going to wear to workout tomorrow. Sports bra and all. I go to bootcamp on Tuesday and Thursday evenings.  We had an industry party tonight, and we are going on our honeymoon on Thursday.

I am so desperate not to backslide and lose my progress that I am determined to get in a good workout this week. So I'm getting my happy ass up at 4:30 to go to morning session tomorrow.

It's gonna be a looooong day.

Hiatus Over

It's been a long time, prolly shouldna leftchu. Okay. Done with the Aliyah intro.

It's been crazy. I blew up to 235 pounds. I joined a bootcamp. I subscribed to the Fresh 20 meal planning services. I try to cook at home at least four times a week. I've lost 14 pounds. I got married. I looked good in my dress. I'm looking to get pregnant soon. I've been approached about coaching. So I'm bringing this blog back.

I've finally realized that this is going to be a long term journey. A lifestyle overhaul. There's no quick three sessions at the gym and starve myself for a week that's going to fix my body and my body image issues. It's going to take time. It's going to take work. It's not always going to be fun. But it's going to be worth it. When my husband tells me I look good and I believe him. When I can fit into a pair of skinny jeans and not feel like a sausage. When I can go clothes shopping and not end up in tears in the fitting room. When I can give birth to healthy babies because I've given them the best body to live in until they were ready to be born.

So let's do this. For realsies.