Ch-ch-changes

Another upheaval. Another new normal. I've left the job that was my main source of income. I've got less stress in one area now, and a whole lot more in another. My motivation for weight loss has tanked...pretty much along with my motivation for doing anything. Depression is a fun beastie, let me tell you. 

There are upsides though. I've discovered I actually like cooking. I like chopping veggies and prepping fresh ingredients. It's kind of therapeutic. 

I also have no appetite of late. My stress level is so high that absolutely nothing sounds good to eat. So I don't. I think I finally ate substantial at around 4:00 this afternoon. Even then, I didn't want it. I just knew my stomach needed something. My head has figured out I haven't been taking care of us the last few days, and is in migraine rebellion mode. Time for some essential oil and a dark, quiet room. 

I'm honestly not worried. It'll even out later. Two days from now I'll be ravenous, but I'll enjoy the pound or two I lose before I eat it back. 

The Salad Days

I'm trying desperately to be excited about salad. But it's eternally difficult. Especially now that I can't have feta for a while. I'm pretty pleased with today's experiment though! 

Spinach, cherry tomatoes, leftover plain quinoa, chopped cucumber, olive oil, garlic, and pine nuts. 

I'm on a mission not to let the produce I buy rot in the fridge, which I imagine will contribute to many "everything but the kitchen sink" recipes. At least this one's tasty. 

But I'm still going to pretend it's a burger and fries. 

Expletive Deleted

I hate working out. I @$&#ing HATE working out. I don't feel an adrenaline rush. I don't feel a sense of accomplishment. 

I feel hopelessness. I feel like I'm never going to move past the status quo. In my size. In my flexibility. In what my body can do. 

Working out flat out pisses me off. It makes me so mad at myself that I let it get this far out of hand. I've coasted so long on, "well you really can't tell that I've gained weight," and now the flip side is in going to have to stick it out a verrrry long time before I see any significant changes.

 And feel like a miserable cow in the mean time. 

I ate pretty good today. Mostly fresh food that I prepared along side my shakeology. And it was the boringest (I know that's not a word) damn day. But it's going to take so many more. I didn't gain it all in one day. I can't lose it all in one either. 

My own brain is the biggest obstacle in my way. And I don't know how to exercise it for this purpose. 

Expletive deleted.  

Ohhhh Hoooooly Craaaaaaap!

It's that time of year where everyone is having their end of year/holiday parties. I love it. However, the one I'm about to go to, I'm scared spitless of. It's the one for the coaching team I've joined. I've never felt more like an odd girl out. And believe me, I've felt that way A LOT in my life.

It's a shame for me to even say that. They are the sweetest women I know! They would never say or think a hateful word about me, but I can't stop MYSELF from thinking them about me.

The RSVP said bring a dessert or a protein appetizer. The only desserts I know how to make are loaded with sugar and carbs and guilt and decadence! So I opted for the protein option. My Asian inspired meat balls are in the oven as we speak. I was in the middle of prepping them when that nasty little voice started talking to me. It went something like this:

"What do you think you're doing?"
"Making my appetizer like I was instructed."
"Pork meatballs?"
"Yeah it's from a Fresh 20 recipe a while back so it's not too bad for you."
"What if someone is keeping kosher? Or has a gluten sensitivity? There's breadcrumbs in there!"
"I just wanted to make something I knew tasted good and wasn't terrible for you!"
"I refer to my original question."

Myself is pretty damn bitchy. It was too late to find something else, and I really wanted to put forth the effort to make something from scratch. Now I'm on the verge of tears with soy sauce down the front of my party shirt, and I probably will forget to change into something else, so I'm going to look like the hot mess oddball that I feel like! The pretty girls will realize they invited the wrong, fat girl to sit with them and it will be middle school all over again!

Actually. No. They won't.

They'll say hey, I'll throw a disclaimer that there's breadcrumbs in the pork meatballs and soy in the dipping glaze and everyone will move on with their lives. They aren't the hateful ones. I am. I've got to cut myself more slack. There are so many obstacles to conquer on a road to change, why do I feel the need to throw more in there?

Time to take a breath, make a rap playlist on my iphone, and enjoy the heavenly smell coming from the kitchen.

Chill the hell out, Shanna.

You Know I Mean Business When...

I am literally sleeping in the clothes I am going to wear to workout tomorrow. Sports bra and all. I go to bootcamp on Tuesday and Thursday evenings.  We had an industry party tonight, and we are going on our honeymoon on Thursday.

I am so desperate not to backslide and lose my progress that I am determined to get in a good workout this week. So I'm getting my happy ass up at 4:30 to go to morning session tomorrow.

It's gonna be a looooong day.

Hiatus Over

It's been a long time, prolly shouldna leftchu. Okay. Done with the Aliyah intro.

It's been crazy. I blew up to 235 pounds. I joined a bootcamp. I subscribed to the Fresh 20 meal planning services. I try to cook at home at least four times a week. I've lost 14 pounds. I got married. I looked good in my dress. I'm looking to get pregnant soon. I've been approached about coaching. So I'm bringing this blog back.

I've finally realized that this is going to be a long term journey. A lifestyle overhaul. There's no quick three sessions at the gym and starve myself for a week that's going to fix my body and my body image issues. It's going to take time. It's going to take work. It's not always going to be fun. But it's going to be worth it. When my husband tells me I look good and I believe him. When I can fit into a pair of skinny jeans and not feel like a sausage. When I can go clothes shopping and not end up in tears in the fitting room. When I can give birth to healthy babies because I've given them the best body to live in until they were ready to be born.

So let's do this. For realsies.

This Is Why It's Hard

I got a Fitbit so I can go about this the nerdy way. It tells me how many calories I burn just by breathing all day. As long as I don't eat more than that, I will lose weight. I've had it for going on two weeks now. I'm on the "Kinda Hard" plan where I'm supposed to take in about 750 fewer calories than I burn for the day and lose 20 pounds by May. Seems easy enough. Except I have 44 calories left for today and I'm so hungry my tummy hurts. I could have spent a few of my calories more wisely, sure. I went grocery shopping today, so hopefully I'll make better decisions tomorrow. But today is where I'm struggling. This is where the ugly little voice in my head says, "Don't worry. You can eat whatever now, just do better tomorrow." It doesn't work if you keep saying you'll fix things tomorrow. I think I'm going to name this principle The Ice Cream Delusion. Cause that's usually what I want when that voice talks to me. It's so easy to just say, "Fuck it," and eat the ice cream because at least it makes me feel better now, instead of having to wait for it to feel better later. But I didn't. Because I have to fix it today. Not tomorrow.

New mantra, "Today. Not tomorrow."